


Ineffable

by C253T



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Deephwi, jinhwi, wannaone - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 17:24:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12822408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C253T/pseuds/C253T
Summary: There is no need for any touching words or confessions, they knew it all from all these time.  Everything between them is love, way more stronger than the word ‘love’ can ever express.  They love each other, and know it by heart, if anything, it’s ineffable.  Their bond is beyond any words in the world dictionary that can describe.





	Ineffable

When WannaOne disbanded three years ago, all members went back to their companies but they still maintain close relationship with each other. Group chat messages popping up unstoppably since there are 11 people who are like brothers and families to each other. They also pay close attentions on the news and media regarding each other. Like the promise that they made during their Last Concert, ‘we are friends, brothers, families forever.’

Unfortunately, there was a little shift since three months ago. Daehwi rarely attend any meet ups with the hyungs. It seems like he always busy with something in which he could only reply once in a while in group chat. Hyungs are curious and worried about the sudden change of Daehwi. Woojin and Daehwi are in the same group, but he does not seem as busy as Daehwi. Recently, their group did not attend any international events, only some fan meetings and sign meetings. Woojin’s excuse was that daehwi is composing some songs in which the company really want him to finish. When he was asked how long would it take, woojin answered with a pretended smile to cover the sorrow that is escaping from his eyes,”It will be soon” , sounds more like a consolation to himself. Jihoon noticed woojin’s uneasiness whenever daehwi is mentioned in their conversations and asked him when they were on their date but woojin almost burst into tears and beg to not talk about this. Jihoon hugged him and told him everything will be fine. Although woojin and daehwi seem to have something hidden from others, hyungs just accept it and hoping everything will be back to normal. They all miss daehwi’s aegyo and cute smile.

The only hyung who did not accept such excuses was jinyoung. How could he? Daehwi is somewhat more than a brother, more than a friend. There is something between them that all members knew since WannaOne time. Daehwi is nice to everyone and clingy to all hyungs but they all could see the affection when it comes to jinyoung. Jinyoung, on the other hand, has a cool or blunt personality, but is extremely nice to daehwi since produce 101 time. Unlike couples like woojin and jihoon or minhyun and jaehwan, these two never took a step forward to break the friends/brothers boundary, this was so unexpected since they were the most obvious pair.

After disbandment, daehwi debuted with woojin as a group of 4 boys while jinyoung somehow became one of the most popular young actor. Although they were all busy with their schedules, they never failed to talk to each other daily except when they had to go somewhere in which the signal was bad enough that any phone call or message is impossible. When time is allowed, they would meet up and spend their time together. Some fans suspect them but they don't really mind, they always admit that “jinyoung hyung is a hyung that I cannot live without” and “daehwi is my favorite dongsaeng.” While the present is full of love and caring, it is too comfortable for them to make it into a love relationship.  
In the past couple months, daehwi is gradually escaping from jinyoung’s life. Although still replying to text messages and phone calls, jinyoung could feel daehwi’s sudden change. He seems to be less talkative, shows less interest on jinyoung’s daily encounterments, and less excited in tell jinyoung his own stuff. Nonetheless, daehwi always have some excuse to get away from meet-ups which is extremely unusual. Jinyoung was worried and asked daehwi couple times if he is okay and he always said yes.  
The thought that daehwi will leave him one day was never brought up to jinyoung until recently. Is he getting tired of me? Did I somehow made him mad? Or even...is he in love with someone? Jinyoung met jihoon at a film festival. While on stage, Jihoon had to keep reminding jinyoung that the cameras are all around so please look happier if he doesn’t want to be appear on the news as “Gloomy Bae Jinyoung”.

“Are you okay?” Jihoon asks jinyoung at the end of the festival. “You look sad.”  
“I am fine, hyung.”  
Jihoon knew it’s because of daehwi, but he can’t help him on this. Woojin seems to know what is actually going on, but judging from woojin’s reactions, it must be something bad. Did jinyoung also know what happened to daehwi as well? That’s why he look so sad too? “So… are you and daehwi okay? Haven’t seen him for a while.”  
While looking down at the ground, “I don’t know what is going on with him, he seems to change all of a sudden. I haven’t seen him since last month.” Last time daehwi finally came out for a drink with jinyoung after he used up all of his excuses maybe. However, daehwi doesn’t look too happy throughout the time and left so fast.  
So jinyoung doesn’t know what happened either. Knowing something is off, jihoon did not tell him his thoughts and reassures jinyoung instead, “Don’t worry, woojin is like that too, their company just like to keep them busy recently.”  
“Sure.” of course, he does not sound sure at all.  
“Okay, let’s have dinner together!”

Jinyoung was so drunk that jihoon had to take him home that night. Next day, he was woken up by a loud noise outside his door. OMG! It’s 3pm already!?  
Jinyoung rushed to open the door and shocked by his manager’s worried look.  
“Why didn’t you pick up your cell phone? I thought something happened to you too!”  
“I am sorry hyung, I was having a drink with jihoon hyung last night... and I just woke up now.”  
With a relieve, manager said “I just wanted to check if you are okay or not. Even though we don’t have any schedule today, please take care of yourself and don’t ignore my calls okay?”  
“Okay hyung. Sorry for making you worry, it won’t happen next time.”  
After manager left, jinyoung still felt a bit confusing about why his manager seem a bit too overreacting today. He knew I went out with jihoon hyung last night, so at the very least, I just didn’t answer his calls for like half of a day. After a relieving shower and turned on his computer, he realized what was happening. 

‘Brand New Boys Member Lee Daehwi Fainted During Last night’s Fan-Sign Meeting.’

Jinyoung quickly grabbed his phone, ignoring all the messages and missed calls, calls daehwi.  
No one answers. After third time, someone picked up, but it’s not daehwi.  
“Hello, are you bae jinyoung? I am Youngmin.”  
Although in shock, jinyoung clear his tone and asked in honorific “Oh hello youngmin hyung, I am bae jinyoung, I just saw the news and wanted to check if daehwi is ok.”  
“Daehwi...umm… daehwi might not be able to answer your phone call right now.”  
“Is he next to you?”  
“Don’t worry, I will take care of him. Sorry, I can’t talk any longer, but he will get back to you as soon as possible.” In a rushing voice, the call ended.  
Jinyoung is now worried, sad, and angry. He should be the one taking care of daehwi, not someone else. He knew that the Brand New Boys are close but he never got jealous until now. He doesn't even know where daehwi is, if he is in the hospital or home. He doesn’t know if he is alright or not.  
Then it comes to woojin’s phone call.  
“I heard you called daehwi earlier. He should be fine after some rest. He wants to tell you that he is fine, don’t worry too much.”  
A moment of silence.  
“Jinyoung-ah? Are you listening?”  
“Hyung, how can I not worried? Why can’t he just tell me straight?”  
“Daehwi needs to rest right now, he will call you back later.”  
“I thought you said he’s fine so why can’t he even answer his phone?”  
“jinyoung -ah.. Daehwi had been working too hard recently so he needs to rest, don’t worry, he will be fine.”  
“Can I go see him?”  
“No.” Woojin’s sudden rejection choked even himself. “I meant...you and jihoon have a tight schedule tomorrow. You should rest for the day.”  
“Daehwi doesn’t want me to be there right?”  
Woojin was never a good speaker, especially when it comes to lies. “I...not that… it’s just… you know you are very important to daehwi right? That's all you need to know. Don’t think wrong...”  
“Please take good care of him, and don’t let him overwork himself.”

“Jinyoung was so emotional today. He look so angry and got annoyed by little things. He almost had a fight with a staff. I had to drag him out to calm him down.” Jihoon talk to woojin in the phone after shooting part of the movie.  
“I knew this was going to happen. I can imagine how the PD was going to react to jinyoung’s angry face.”  
“How is daehwi? Still feeling sick?”  
“He is getting better. But I don’t think he can talk to jinyoung, daehwi still sound weak. Maybe in a few days he should be fine.”  
“Wow, then I have to keep an eye on jinyoung for few days more. OMG, so scary…”  
“Yea darling, try to not let jinyoung get into troubles or kill someone. I love you.”

“Hyung.”A weak voice came from behind.  
“Oh, daehwi. You should be resting.”  
Ignoring woojin’s comment, “I distracted jinyoung hyung from his work.”  
“No, it's not that.”  
“I heard it.”  
“daehwi -ah...I...”  
Daehwi slowly walk towards woojin and hugs him, “Thank you hyung. You helped me alot, and jihoon hyung too. I know it was difficult for you to hide it from all the hyungs.”  
Woojin hugs back, he can feel that daehwi is getting thinner nowadays. He know that daehwi is in a lot more pain than what he is expressing since three months ago. However, he never complained and always smile even when he is definitely not well. He gets sick quite often and gets tired easily. However, he is still trying to do his best to keep the group going. Meanwhile, he is secretly looking for someone who can replace his position in our group. He did not know that no one can ever replace him, no one. The most heartbreaking part is that they can only watch him in pain. Woojin can no longer keep his emotion in. Tears falling from his face. “Why it has to be you? Daehwi-ah… so unfair.”  
“No, it’s because this world is fair. I received so much love from hyungs and fans, I need to compensate for it somehow.” Daehwi laughs, like always.  
“Woojin hyung, can you help me with one more thing?”  
Without asking what it is, woojin replies “Of course.”

 

If woojin knew what daehwi was going to say, he might not agree to it. Well, maybe he will eventually got persuaded by daehwi. Daehwi planned everything out. He asked jinyoung to go out to shop, and then told him he cannot make it because their group has an interview all of a sudden. Woojin, as the planned, message formal WannaOne members in the group chat that he is bored and want to have a drink with someone since jihoon is busy with his own schedule. Jinyoung, in confusion, accepts the invitation.  
“Are you sure you want to do this daehwi?” Youngmin looks at the boy sitting next to him.  
Daehwi look out the car window, his eyes are on his love, jinyoung, who is chatting with woojin in a cafe shop across the street. I love you, and I know you love me too. Our love is so pure and precious that we want to maintain it like this forever. Because of how much I love you, i cannot hold you back. Even if I got a perfect surgery, I might still be your burden. Sorry that I hurt you now, jinyoung hyung. Please forgive me.  
With certainty, “let’s go hyung.”  
All they need to do is to walk pass the cafe shop window that jinyoung and woojin is sitting in, with smiles and daehwi grabbing youngmin’s arm.  
The dark coffee is pouring from the table and dripping to the floor as if blood was dripping from jinyoung’s heart.  
“How long has it been?”  
“Umm… I am not sure, but as day passes, and the four of us are always together with our schedules, youngmin hyung always take good care of daehwi and us, and…”  
“Okay, I get it.”  
“I meant...like daehwi said, it was never a thing between you and him, so…” This was the line that daehwi made woojin to practice ten thousand times in front of him before coming here. Daehwi knew jinyoung so well that he make sure woojin will say this most hurtful sentence.  
“He said that?” Jinyoung’s shaking voice made woojin to cry with him.  
“I felt sorry for you guys.”  
The last thing on daehwi’s script was for woojin to take jinyoung home safely and for jihoon to look after him more closely.

Jinyoung has been working himself from morning to midnight for the past months in an attempt to get away from his private life. His manager forces him to rest for one week. Jinyoung did not want to do that but he had no choice when all of his schedule has been canceled or pushed back.  
Jinyoung parked his car, and rushes to open the door. Winter in Seoul is icy cold just like his heart. In front of his main door, daehwi is sitting there, unexpectedly. A person who once brought him warmness but then stabbed his heart. Jinyoung stopped for a little bit and walk straight to open the door as if he saw no one there.  
Daehwi stands up, holding on to the corner of jinyoung’s shirt, ask in a low voice as if he knew he is going to be rejected, “Jinyoung hyung, jihoon hyung said that you’re on a one week break, I am wondering if we can spend the one week together.”  
“Lee daehwi, I am not your toy, not someone that you can play with and then throw away when you want to.”  
“Can we spend one day together, just one day is enough.” daehwi beggs.  
“Lee daehwi!” jinyoung yells out, tear is covering his eyes. “What are you doing!?”  
“I am sorry hyung. I am sorry for hurting you so much.” Daehwi hugs jinyoung from behind, “hyung, can you hug me for the last time? I miss you so much.”  
No reply. The feeling is so familiar to jinyoung that he missed it so much, and had thought he won’t feel this kind of comfort ever again. Jinyoung touches daehwi’s hands on his waist. The coldness made him paused for a little bit but then continues to break himself free from daehwi. Daehwi hugs him even tighter, with all the energy that he has.  
“It’s okay hyung, please don’t hate me too much.”

If and only if the world can stop at this moment…

It is raining hard. Jinyoung couldn’t fall asleep. He was at a stage of total confusion. He forced himself not to think of daehwi but failed. He already regretted at the moment he shut the door leaving daehwi outside. He wants daehwi to stay with him, not for a week, but forever. The fact that daehwi will leave after a week or a day just made him angry. Lee daehwi, if I actually hate you at all, I wouldn’t been feeling so painful.

“Woojin hyung.”  
“Jinyoung-ah? What is it that made you call me at 1 am in the morning? Did something happened? Are you okay?” Although half asleep, jinyoung can still feel the sense of worry from woojin.  
“Sorry for waking you up...but..”  
“It’s okay, what is it?”  
With hesitation, jinyoung asks “Is daehwi doing fine lately?”  
Woojin suspects something happened between the two again, did jinyoung finally notice something is off? “uhh..Yea? What do you mean?”  
“Ummm...I see. I just..I don’t know.” The fact that daehwi came up to him like this earlier puzzled him and made him worry. He could tell that daehwi still cares about him, it feels like nothing had ever change. If he still loves me, what is it that between daehwi and youngmin-hyung?  
“If anything, you should ask daehwi directly as soon as possible.” Woojin was hoping that if jinyoung and daehwi talk about it personally, jinyoung might figure it out or daehwi might not able to hide it anymore and reveal everything to jinyoung.  
“Maybe.” It was not that jinyoung doesn’t want to ask daehwi directly, it is more about the fear that daehwi’ll admit his relationship with youngmin-hyung and deny everything between himself and jinyoung. If this happened, it really means that everything is over, there is no hope. In conclusion, jinyoung does not want to let go of daehwi, even a false hope is fine.

Jinyoung decides to escape from city life for a week and visit his grandparents in the country-side. Being brought up by grandparents, jinyoung can always find the sense of comfort when seeing them. The air here is so fresh, the sky seems to be extremely clear, the sun is bright, the lake is clean. Everything seem to be so perfect here. This is the place where jinyoung always want to bring daehwi to. He knew that daehwi will like this place as much as he does. Jinyoung fall asleep laying on this piece of greenfield.  
A familiar hum wakes jinyoung up. I must be dreaming, how can he be here. He laughs to himself. He is right, the person that he is think is not here, but a group of three little kids are singing the song that he was dreaming about. Jinyoung slowly approaches them and sing along. He bends down with teary eyes, “how did you know this song?”  
It was not even a fully finished song. It is one of the unfinished songs composed by daehwi and jinyoung years ago. Jinyoung is not a good song composer, but he managed to do it with daehwi. It was never published to public but daehwi loves this one especially.  
A little boy looked at his friends and replies quietly, “A hyung taught us.”  
“Where is hyung?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“When did he taught you!?”  
“Last week.. Two weeks ago?” The little boy seems unsure.  
Lee daehwi, you idiot! What the hell are you doing?!  
“Hyung, why are you crying too. Why does this song make hyungs cry?”  
Jinyoung hugs the boy softly “because people are more emotional when in love.”  
The boy and his playmates are blinking in confusion.

On his way back, jinyoung is laughing and singing like a kid. What should i wear? I haven’t done mask for a while, is my look alright? With such thoughts in mind, jinyoung opened his house front door in shock.  
“Wow, jihoon hyung! Did you just break my door?”  
Jihoon jumps up from the sofa and yelled so loudly that the next door neighbor might freak out, “Where the heck did you go for the past couple days?!”  
Surprised my jihoon’s madness, jinyoung rubs his hair and said, “Well, I just went to visit my grandparents…”  
“Of all these time, you decided to go out of town at this particular moment ?!” Jihoon sounds very frustrated. “Should you at least bring your cell phone? Or tell somebody where you were going?!”  
Jinyoung just standing at the door, freezed in silence.  
Jihoon calmed himself down, and something suddenly kicks into his mind and immediately grabs jinyoung’s arm “Oh god, let’s go!”  
Jinyoung refused to move, “Where are we going?!”  
“daehwi is waiting for you.”  
“No!” What he meant was that he doesn't want to see daehwi like this or else he would've go straight to his place instead of coming home first.  
Jihoon turned around, looking at jinyoung who is demanding a more elaborative answer, in a solemn voice “lee daehwi is dying.”  
Jinyoung look straight into jihoon’s eyes,searching for sign of humor, but there is none, only tears. “Hyung, your acting skill is always good, you don’t need such practice.”  
…

“You finally came.” Standing in front of the VIP room, woojin taps jinyoung’s shoulder, “I just came here from our company, let’s go in.”  
Jinyoung wanted to see daehwi for so long, now he hesitates. Jihoon only vaguely explains daehwi’s condition, he doesn’t know what to expect. He is scared.  
Woojin nods at jihoon telling him to wait outside while dragging jinyoung in.  
“Don’t worry, daehwi is doing better today, at least he got himself out of ICU.”  
How can he be not worry? Daehwi is laying there looking so pale. He looks even skinnier, weaker, and so vulnerable.  
Jinyoung walk towards his loved one, slowly holding his hand just like usual, the only difference is that there is no force holding his hand back. There is only coldness, just like the night that jinyoung shut daehwi outside his house.  
“Daehwi-ah, jinyoung hyung is here, sorry for making you to wait for so long.”  
Before jinyoung break into tears, woojin pulls jinyoung towards the small sofa at the corner of the room.  
“They gave him some medication and he will not be awake for the next hour at least, I need to tell you something.” Woojin seems to be ready, or he has to be ready to reveal everything at this point when they almost loss daehwi.  
Jinyoung is emotionless, staring at nothing but the floor.  
This look is familiar, when daehwi told the group after his diagnosis, this is how the three members were look like, dumbfounded. It was, and still is, difficult to accept such fact.  
When daehwi was in the ICU, he was told to expect the worst. He told jihoon everything, the two cried in the stairway of the hospital. Then, they called the formal WannaOne members, who rushed to the hospital, not much words were exchanged, they sparkling eyes said everything. After debriefing the same sad story so many times, he learned how to keep himself calm, without crying, and offers comforts to other hyungs.  
“Couple months ago, daehwi was diagnosed with leukemia. His condition was not too bad, treatments were effective to keep it under control. Doctors suggested that he should rest and receive treatments. Of course, daehwi refused. He worked like usual and receive treatment at the same time. It's very tired for him, he had to go to the hospital secretly and attend all the planned schedules. In order to be fully recover, or what seems to better is to go to America for treatment. We finally convinced him after months of trying. He was planning to go at the end of this month, but his condition suddenly got worse few days ago. We found him unconscious in his house with high fever. We brought him to the emergency room, his temperature and pressure dropped all of a sudden. All we were told is that he is weak and small cold or little fever could be dangerous for him, and this was exactly what happened. His vital sign was bad, so he was admitted to ICU immediately. Luckily, he is a strong boy and is getting better hopefully.”  
It was me, if I let him stay, he wouldn't be sick. How could I left him outside, it was raining and freezing!  
Woojin wraps around jinyoung’s shoulder. “Don't cry, he doesn’t want to see you sad, he’ll be sad if you cry.”  
“I am sorry.” Sorry for everything.  
“You’re the most special person to him, please give him strengths.”  
“I should've known this earlier, why would I even believe that he doesn't want me.”

Daehwi, though not fully awake, can feel that jinyoung is near him. He urges to wake up, to tell jinyoung that he loves him. In the past couple months, he doesn't want jinyoung to see him suffering, that's why he tries to avoid jinyoung. However, the idea that he might be gone without telling jinyoung he loves him just came up to him after he was admitted to ICU. If he couldn't make it, he needs to tell jinyoung that he loves him all these time. Woojin hyung is right, if I died without any words for him, Jinyoung hyung would be even more sad.

When daehwi slowly opens his eyes, jinyoung is sitting next to him, holding his hands, so warm.  
He must cried himself to sleep, daehwi thought.  
Every time I see hyung, my heart pumps faster, although I have been looking at his small face for years already. I never got tired of looking at him, so attractive.

When one passes, all left there are parallel lines accompanying by a constant mechanical sound.  
Everyone knows that we love each other but the last thing I said to you was “I don't want to see you ever again.”  
I missed your hug but the last thing I did to you was to push you out of my door.

The tears pouring from jinyoung’s eyelids worries daehwi.  
“Hyung.” Daehwi slightly shakes jinyoung’s hand, jinyoung is holding his hands so tight that he can barely move.  
Jinyoung opens his frightened eyes, breathing hard. “You..you are awake.. thank god that you are awake.”  
“I was awake the whole time.” Daehwi replies with a small smile. He can’t do much to comfort a crying jinyoung right now. “It must be a bad dream.”  
It took jinyoung quite long to calm himself down.  
“Hyung, can you give me some water?”  
Jinyoung turned around and pour some water into a glass. He took a sip to make sure it's warm enough. He helped daehwi to sit up, embracing him as he drinks the water.  
Daehwi is entirely leaning on jinyoung, “I feel like a baby.”  
“You are always my baby.” As he says, jinyoung kisses daehwi on his forehead.  
Daehwi asks shyly, “Did you just kiss me hyung?”  
Jinyoung gently soothes daehwi’s hair, “unh.”  
“Sorry for all these time, I don’t know what is the right thing to do. I tried to make things happen in a way that is best for us, but i hurt you even more. I..”  
Jinyoung cuts off daehwi, “I love you.”  
“I know.”  
“That's all you need to know.”  
“I might die.”  
There is silence between the two.  
“Or I might take quite long to fully recover.”  
“I know.”  
“Meanwhile, everyone would be worry about me and...”  
Jinyoung knows what daehwi is trying to say and cuts him off again,“You’re not our trouble.”  
“All hyungs said so.”  
“Did you think I was your trouble when we were shooting for Produce 101?”  
“No.”  
“Why?”  
Daehwi didn’t understand what jinyoung was trying to say. “Why would you be my trouble?”  
“I was in F level and you picked me.”  
“Hyung you know how attractive you are? Even without me picking you, you would still get those votes.”  
“It’s not the number of votes. It was the time that you spent with me when I know no one. You gave me confidence and love.”  
“Oh hyung, do you remember that time when…”  
Their conversation just keeps going like usual. There is no need for any touching words or confessions, they knew it all from all these time. Everything between them is love, way more stronger than the word ‘love’ can ever express. They love each other, and know it by heart, if anything, it’s ineffable. Their bond is beyond any words in the world dictionary that can describe.

Daehwi’ recovery was better than the doctors’ expectations. He was then discharged from the hospital and went home. He was still not able to attend any schedules but even at home, he continues to compose the unfinished songs. Sometimes when he gets tired, he would fall asleep on the piano. And this was exactly what happened last night when jinyoung came from work.  
Jinyoung softly carried daehwi to his bed, put some blankets on him. He lays down next to daehwi, holding his hand to his heart. Daehwi was awake the moment jinyoung walks to the piano, but he was pretending to be sleeping. There is something that he wants to tell jinyoung about, but he was not ready. Jinyoung knew what it was.  
“I will take good care of myself, so don’t worry about me. Remember to listen to the doctors, and don’t miss me too much.” Jinyoung kisses daehwi on his forehead. “Goodnight.”

After daehwi went to America for treatment, hyungs are surprised that jinyoung didn’t go with him. But after the last song that daehwi composed before leaving was published, they understand why.

It’s for daehwi. 

When Daehwi was in the hospital, the thing that he most afraid of was letting jinyoung see him suffers from treatments. Jinyoung knew it after a while, and so he always waited outside until the nurse told him that daehwi is feeling better then he walks in.

I will wait for him, and he shall return.

Five years after Wanna One disbandment, all eleven members appeared on the Reunion Con like promised. Daehwi was standing next to jinyoung, holding each other’s hands, lively, lovely, like always.


End file.
